Auld Josie noo! He used to be a collector of Bassett hounds, and the inspiration for Edwin Morgan’s poem which you’ll no doubt know, being an educated fella.
By the way, do you know Jalousie at all?
And wee Bridie. Was merrit tae an Indian lascar she met in a pub at the docks. We dinnae pry too much further into that, and she’ll no’ say.
Maself? I’ve been here near twenty-six year come September. Moved here eftir ah was no’ weel, no weel at all. Couldn’t walk to the kitchen, had to crawl.
An’ auld Sam worked on the trains until he fell aff wan pished. He’s been sober since an’ does the quiz nights for us. Too many questions about South Africa if ye ask me, must have landed on his heid fae that train.
Ye must know Jalousie, we aw know it!
“Can ye sing Jalousie?”
I’ve never heard of Jalousie.
“Aw ye must know Jalousie”
It’s like singing to the cast of Cocoon, only this is the Edinburgh version.
“He disnae know Jalousie”
“Aw yer kidding. Dae ye no’ know Jalousie?”
I don’t know this Jalousie to which they refer.
“Jalousie gets us aw goin’. Ye must know it”
“Fuck Jalousie” I don’t scream, and play ‘Little Old Wine Drinker Me’. This appeases the Jalousie fans for a bit, but not for long.
“Even ma grandson Terry can play Jalousie. D’ye no’ ken it?”
If I ever meet a Jalousie*, I‘ll kick it to death…!
It takes about an hour to get everyone on the coach what with rotavators and the paraphernalia of the elderly. I stand aside and watch while listening to the endless chatter. It’s like a low-key drone interspersed with shrieks of cackling laughter. The slightly younger auld yin who thinks he’s in charge but he’s not really pushes a glamorous granny up the stairs of the coach with his hands on her arse. This inspires howls of protracted laughter and mock-outrage. I begin to wonder if geriatric sex is on the day-trip agenda. Maybe I’m here to sing a la Barry White in the background while this lot get it on: smearing each other with Ralgex and clicking hips into accessible place.
Maybe that’s why we’re going as far away as Ratho? And, maybe Ratho is a well-known swinger’s town for the nearly dead? Just one last rattle, mama, ‘afore I pop these auld clogs.
“An’ thaim two up the front that look like sisters, well, they’re baith gay but in different ways.”
I knew it! Ratho is code for nookie for the enfeebled. Maybe I’ll have to help with the pulleys and that…
* Jalousie, as it turns out, is an old Brenda Lee song called 'Jelousy', and I don't know that either..
