Fun With the Auld Yins

The smell of piss and mince. Piss, mince and impending death are the key themes at Milbrook Care Home for the Elderly. Care homes are big business. This one is part of the Horizons Group. What fucking horizon’s? They always have nice cosy, sanitised names for these hard-nosed business ventures. Fleecing the Nearly-Dead would be more appropriate but it’s not such an honest world.

Auld yins are sitting about or getting wheeled about by uniformed staff. Some alarm seems to be perpetually ringing but no-one seems to be paying it any urgent mind but they certainly have not forgotten to put the heating on.

“Like sub-Saharan Africa in here” I quip to the receptionist. She smiles and replies “Aye, they like it toasty”

I’m directed to the ‘Activities Team’ which is on the first floor beside the lifts. I’m quite nervous about this as I’ve never had much to do with auld yins before. And these are proper ‘auld’. These folk are not kidding. Ninety-seven years-old and stuff like that. And they’re deaf too, or almost.

“And many of them have wee memory problems; early Alzheimer’s”. This says Gilbert who runs the activities team with nurse Phillippa and care assistant Ruby. It’s pretty obvious from the start that they don’t really want a volunteer at all; they’ve got this wee game sewn up amongst themselves. I’m obviously the result of some internal politics. Maybe they get increased funding for taking on volunteers? Maybe they’re trying to replace staff with volunteers, a venture I will not be part of, so I ask Gilbert;

“Is me volunteering anything to do with any policy of replacing paid staff with volunteers?”

This startles him a little and the other two exchange looks.

“Cos if it is I don’t want anything to do with it”

Maybe this attitude lets them warm to me a little and I’m taken downstairs to meet the residents who are being wheeled into a large lounge-type room which is painted leaf-green and has a sumptuous beige carpet. Next to this room is a large canteen area and a kitchen where tea is made for after the ‘entertainments’.

When everyone is settled – a process that seems to take forever – I am introduced.

“This is David and he is going to be helping us over the coming weeks with the quizzes and maybe he’ll sing along with us later when we sing our songs”

Some of these old souls can barely look up never mind offer any sort of greetings although some are a bit livelier than others and more responsive. I’d been chatting away to this yin they’ve asked me to wheel in but I think it’s been more for making me look keen than for her benefit. She seems a bit put-out by me spraffing on at her as if she’s a five-year old. This woman has been through a war and I’m yakking on about ‘getting a nice cup of tea later’.

Nurse Philippa is asking questions out of a quiz book. This she has to do by pronouncing every syllable very slowly and loudly. It’s painful to listen to but I guess it’s the only way if folk can’t hear properly. There’s a decrepit auld soul in a wheel-in bed who is obviously cooking on another planet from the rest of us as she keeps on with this distressing wailing noise every few minutes. Thankfully it’s care assistant Ruby who sits with her.

“Shhh Mary, it’s OK” Ruby placates.

This is quite shocking. I thought I’d be expected to read from a book to someone or play draughts or something. I didn’t know it was going to be this mental Quiz Night and Sing-Song scenario!

“When can I go home?” another screams.

I’ve to sit with this auld yin Betty and repeat some of the questions to her right into her ear.

Fiona asks “A popular comic with the same name as a trip to the seaside? A pop-u-lar co-mic-with the-same-name-as-a-trip-to-the-sea-side?”

Betty looks at me for clarification.

“D’ye mind the name of the comics, Betty?”

She looks at me blankly. Maybe I’m not saying it clearly enough.

“The comics, Betty, mind that ye used to read as a bairn?”

Still nothing. I need to speak louder.

“YE NEVER HEARD O’ BIFFO THE BEAR, BETTY?”

Too loud I think as the rooms gone silent and all who can are staring right at me.

Funny what you find yourself doing, innit?