God Has a Dark Sense of Humour

“It’s as if a higher power – say God – had chosen to send me a romantic partner that was the very opposite, certainly in terms of my ego and pride, of what I need. If he was sitting there with his son Jesus, slow day, wee bit bored and says let’s have a laugh. Let’s send that slovenly time-waster Wylie a girlfriend that will never compliment him, in fact, let her diminish his every achievement and everything he thinks are his accomplishments. It’ll do his head in. And Jesus says, nae bother Da, I know just the female”.

The young psychologist laughs at this suggestion. He likes Wylie for his wry humour; his self-deprecation. How ‘put upon’ he is by life. He thinks Wylie doesn’t need a psychologists office, he needs a stage but the fella just hasn’t got the chutzpah for stand-up comedy.#

“In bed, she says ‘give me more’. I say, look hen, it’s not a fucking snooker cue. It doesn’t have an extension!

I write a song for her, she ignores it. Won’t comment at all. I write something for her, she looks annoyed and asks what it means. She praises my friends but never me. I try to speak to her but she looks at me askance”.

“Why do you put up with her?” asks the young psychologist who is from Poland and his name sounds like ‘Magic’, a great name for a psychologist.

“She’s very pretty and a good bit younger than me”

We are man to man. He grins, the young psychologist.

“So she does do something for your ego and your pride?”

“Yes,” I answer “but just not enough!”