Tam Strang was just an ordinary guy from Northfield Broadway near Portobello on the east side of Edinburgh. Folk knew him as ‘Tam’ that worked as something other at ‘The Royal’ up at Little France. He went for a pint most Friday and Saturday evenings at The Scottie and there had once been a girlfriend but that relationship had kind of fizzled-out though no-one knew precisely why or ever even bothered to ask. Tam kept himself pretty much to himself so he didn’t invite enquiry. He supported the Hibs and for all anyone knew lived a quiet, unassuming life.
How little they knew! How very little.
For many years he was ‘employed’ by a very special individual on an as-and-when basis in a very peculiar role indeed. A role you couldn’t have guessed in a million years.
He was, in fact, the devil’s proctologist! Satan’s arse-doctor if you wanted to be crude about it. For Auld Nick for all his beastly powers was shit-scared (excuse the pun) of prostate cancer.
So Tam Strang was a trained proctologist, then? Well, no he wasn’t, but he owed the devil fella big time and the devil knew he could trust Tam Strang to keep his secret. Plus, it was actually quite easy to detect the onset or otherwise of prostate cancer and if Tam with his digit up the The Prince of Darkness’ dung tunnel detected any thickening of that little donut then that was enough for the devil to know.
Tam secretly suspected that the Earl of Hell had a liking for human objects up his rectum but had nowhere near the guts to even think as much though the cigarette afterwards and the sighs of satisfaction spooked the hell out of Tam, a profoundly heterosexual man.
One day he was sitting in the Famous Five Stand at Easter Road for a Hibs v Motherwell game. Nothing each at half-time and a pretty dull affair. Tam screwed the lid off his flask which contained his auld Ma’s delicious broth when this figure came and sat down in the seat beside him.
“Big man’s in a state. Says there was a speck o’ blood on one of his stools. In a pure panic about it. You know the score”
“Kin it no’ wait tae efter the game?”
“Nut!!”
“Fuck-sake”
The devil has a special portal for gaining entry to hell. Unfortunately for Tam the Hibbie it was up at Tynecastle.
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