Toilet Humour

  

I thought there was maybe the chance of a wee romance or even just some sex. She’d been coming down here on her wee visits a few times now and when we’d parted there seemed always to be something left unsaid or undone somehow. The thing was that I didn’t feel I could make a move incase I was mistaken. We came from different cultures – religions, even – and I feared the most monstrous repercussions if I slipped up (she’d showed me a most alarming photograph of her close and extended family posing with seriously serious armaments of a gunly nature; her own mother with what looked like a Magnum of some description.)

I was seriously attracted to her and had been since we’d met although really only in a physical way. Personality-wise she was curt and clipped and could easily spend a good hour boring the arse off me with an arid anecdote about an erroneous stationary order at work or one of her many complaints about working practices or individuals she worked with. My notorious humour and charm rolled off her like rain off a rock (she had a way of looking at me as if I was a retarded 5-year-old even though I was a good few years older than her.)

Then one day after a particularly exciting paddle in the sea, a breakthrough, or so I hoped.

“Dave?”

“Yes,” I replied a little breathlessly. Was this her declaration of devotion? My invitation to lustful bliss?

“I hope you don’t mind me asking,”

Surely, she was about to ask if I shared her feelings of amour; if I felt as she felt? This was surely houghmagandie time.

“Well..,”

“Go on,”

“Would you be very upset if I asked you to let me clean your toilet bowl? It’s the limescale. I know a way to get rid of it.”

To say this stopped me in my tracks would be an understatement. How off-the-mark could I have been in my expectations or was this some sort of cultural code I wasn’t privy to?

In her culture was an offer to clean a man’s toilet tantamount to a come-on? I didn’t think so.

I could only laugh and ask her the toilet-cleaning secret.

Coca-cola, apparently. They don’t tell you that on the ads.