Kenny's Ma and Da were always giving him problems, and this was no different. It seemed, at least according his sister, Agnes, a self-employed pin-seller from Kinning Park, that his parents wanted a very special event when commemorating their 50th wedding anniversary. (Kenny had been thinking of buying them a 'buy-one-get-one-free' funeral plan.)
Basically, they wanted celebrity
chef, the three-Michelin-starred, Gordon Ramsay to cook a special meal.
Kenny decided to write him a
letter, which went like this..
"Dear Gordon, face like a bag of chisels Rangers supporting bastard’
Ramsay,
Please consider cooking a special
meal for my folk's Golden wedding anniversary. No expense spared for this
magical occasion.
Yours Kenny McTim-Tim"
Despite the tone of this request,
Ramsay agreed he would but wanted a rough outline about what to cook.
A further correspondence...
"Dear Orange poofy drawers,
My father has rarely eaten anything
other than minced beef. Recent medical examinations have shown that he may
actually consist of 100% of the stuff. Doctors are stunned. The only time,
during WW2, as a prisoner of the Japanese, that he had no access to mince; he
chose to eat his own foot rather than the meagre rice offered.
If your eventual dish consists of
anything other than mince, and/or it is in any way exotically garnished i.e.
with herbs or spices, I predict that he will aim sharp cutlery at your groinal
area. Carrots, onion, and no more than half an Oxo cube will suffice.
Also, for pudding; custard or
evaporated milk is acceptable as is rice pudding. However, this must be
accompanied by mince or cling-peaches. Please note that pineapple chunks are
considered perverted and inflammatory north of the Tweed.
Hope this helps. Your money will be
under the wally dug on the side-board.
PS No Rangers songs, even during food
preparation".
He never replied...!
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