Years ago when I was about 17 and beginning a stellar career as a civil servant in London I was standing on the platform at Liverpool Street Station awaiting a central line tube train to take me home to Leytonstone. Those were the pre-computer days when the civil service was crammed full of people doing fuck all except ‘look busy’ with a pencil and a box of paper.
As usual, being rush-hour, the platform was packed and I was right at the edge (an amazing act of trust, really. Any passing pyscho could have signed my doom with the merest nudge). I noticed this young woman urgently pressing her way through the throng and eventually ending up beside me. Must be desperate for a seat. I thought. Getting a seat this time of day was like winning the pools and engendered one with an air of smugness.
The train came rushing through the tunnel and ‘whoosh’ the young lady stepped off and in front of it. I have an image of this in my mind’s eye to this day. I was stunned by this and went into a mental dwam while others around me shrieked and somehow stepped back and away from the edge. A few of us were questioned by transport police afterwards but the let go to be on our way.
Poor wee soul and I hope she at last found peace from whatever torment drove her to such an act but, the sod of it was that I had to get back to bloody Leytonstone via a very circuitous route indeed (Victoria line to Walthamstow then a 262 bus, if you must know). This gave me an idea the outline of which I sent to London Transport in a letter.
In it I suggested they employ staff on a premium rate to utelise an hour – say 3am – for those to wished to commit self-murder under a train to be allowed to do so. We could call this a Happy, or Un-Happy Hour. Thus, their gruesome mission would be achieved AND the public would not be inconvenienced in the slightest. It was a win-win situation.
I didn’t even receive the courtesy of a reply.
Imagine my surprise reading in the latest Private Eye of a new scheme the Tories have come up with to decrease public spending. You will agree it is not so dissimilar to mine. The idea is that they employ suicidal, psychopathic or staunchly right-wing pilots or even fervent jihadists to make up half (or so) of this project (the other half (or so) will be just normal well-adjusted flyers). You then give your average benefit claimant, old or disabled person or immigrant a choice. Either they will take a flight and be flown into a mountain by a nutcase or survive the journey and have their pension, benefit, etc. doubled and be left alone without harassment for the rest of their days.
They reckon that given a 60/40 ratio against survival they’ll save the taxpayer millions.
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